19/08/19
An unnesessary tie to an unknown identifier
Unable to place the birth of the fear or what it now manifests as
For some the substance allows spiritual enlightenment, visions in which to adapt a new life force
For me, a sober questioning of validity
A resistance towards a lifestyle I can’t even label. It lies in the notions of belonging, adaptation and growth. It shows itself through emotional outpourings of grief and sadness
Most likely it exudes from ego, the shameful self that is still searching for reasons as to why this being, this vessel has not yet experienced intimacy and from the part of the self that subconsciously uses this as a means for societal segregation
Questions of identity are constant; but further questions of purpose, about time and space, worth and the concept of imposter syndrome are just as evident
Should it be a questioning of the wanting of something or an acceptance of the lack of something
How does one learn to fit when the reason for this overwhelming outsider state is widely unknown
The vague amd potential truth should not mean self or societal abandonment - yet I continually find myself here
Here within a state of perpetual misunderstanding within my own self
A constant back and forth between two unknowns. One being the birth place of self sexuality and the other; how one finds freedom of expression within the confines of humanity
Another unknown, the notion of the how, becomes apparent
How have I found myself within this realm; inhabitating the space inbetween. The centre of two worlds - an abyss of ones life; the beginning and ending of ones lifestyle
A dropped pin of anxiety, frustration, desire, pain, humiliation and shame
A fire burns within, ignited by two drastically different outcomes. One of solitude. An eery end to a constant battle of the mind and one of freedom
An honest and deep analysis of the psyche in order to highlight necessary tools, worn down over time; to be polished, renewed and utilized
Each moment the balance shifts
Each second lending itself to either end of the spectrum - leaving one in a constant state of limbo
Not knowing where to set ones next step
What path to take at the crossroads
How to find light in the shadows
Unable to place the birth of the fear or what it now manifests as
For some the substance allows spiritual enlightenment, visions in which to adapt a new life force
For me, a sober questioning of validity
A resistance towards a lifestyle I can’t even label. It lies in the notions of belonging, adaptation and growth. It shows itself through emotional outpourings of grief and sadness
Most likely it exudes from ego, the shameful self that is still searching for reasons as to why this being, this vessel has not yet experienced intimacy and from the part of the self that subconsciously uses this as a means for societal segregation
Questions of identity are constant; but further questions of purpose, about time and space, worth and the concept of imposter syndrome are just as evident
Should it be a questioning of the wanting of something or an acceptance of the lack of something
How does one learn to fit when the reason for this overwhelming outsider state is widely unknown
The vague amd potential truth should not mean self or societal abandonment - yet I continually find myself here
Here within a state of perpetual misunderstanding within my own self
A constant back and forth between two unknowns. One being the birth place of self sexuality and the other; how one finds freedom of expression within the confines of humanity
Another unknown, the notion of the how, becomes apparent
How have I found myself within this realm; inhabitating the space inbetween. The centre of two worlds - an abyss of ones life; the beginning and ending of ones lifestyle
A dropped pin of anxiety, frustration, desire, pain, humiliation and shame
A fire burns within, ignited by two drastically different outcomes. One of solitude. An eery end to a constant battle of the mind and one of freedom
An honest and deep analysis of the psyche in order to highlight necessary tools, worn down over time; to be polished, renewed and utilized
Each moment the balance shifts
Each second lending itself to either end of the spectrum - leaving one in a constant state of limbo
Not knowing where to set ones next step
What path to take at the crossroads
How to find light in the shadows